Australia Tour 2004

SOA AUSTRALIAN TOUR 2004

“G’day and a warm Sydney welcome to the Sex Orientated Athletes” was our coach driver’s greeting as we emerged from the twenty hour flight. 

More of sex, orientation and athleticism later, but for the SOA party the touring experience had started several weeks previously.  Recommended bonding practice took place in January in the form of a pre-tour session for all tour members at the Merry Miller, Cothill. This was followed a fortnight later by recommended cricketing practice for the playing members in the indoor nets at the Oratory School, Woodcote. The former involved the dispensing of tour tangibles (shirts, hats and tickets), together with principles (code of tour conduct) and other intangibles (speeding fines in the case of the Yorkshire members), as well as the inevitable consumption of refreshment. The latter involved a professional critique of tourists’ batting techniques, followed by the use of hostile quick bowling in twilight conditions to test these new techniques. It quickly became apparent from the party’s performance in Australia that the warm-up bonding session had been of more lasting benefit than the warm-up cricket session, and that neither had adequately prepared us for the extreme heat we found there.

The party that finally boarded the plane at Heathrow was 37 strong, comprising 20 playing members and 1 non-playing member, plus a supporting cast of 12 spouses and partners and 4 teenagers. This was supplemented by a further 4 playing members, 1 non-playing member and 2 spouses appearing in the ensuing days from such varied places as Bangkok, London, Sydney and Tokyo. The names and credentials of all 44 are graphically portrayed in the tour brochure, meticulously produced by Ralph Cobham. We also had the added bonus of unannounced support on the boundary from 2 senior members of the Club who happened to be visiting Melbourne, Phil Alston with his wife Louise and Simon Rae (who also attended the farewell dinner). When called upon, 2 playing members (Colin Bedford and Mike Knox) acted as fully or partially qualified umpires (to near universal approval), the scoring was in the hands of Miles and Margaret Hedges and Sue Hayes (to universal approval), and the score board operated by Richard Merricks (to acclaim).

The initial week was spent at the Holiday Inn, Potts Point which provided tourists with easy access to a host of Sydney highlights, including the notorious Kings Cross red light district. We had been well conditioned on the coach from the airport as to what these redefined SOA “POMEs” (Prisoners of Mother England, alias the Australian founding fathers) would find in Kings Cross, and this may or may not explain why there were so few manifestations of jet lag. Suffice to say that the hotel patio provided a fine rendezvous for late night drinking by tourists generally, whilst the hotel bedroom windows provided equally fine viewing of late night soliciting for teenage tourists in particular. By contrast, the Parkview Hotel was in the midst of a leafy Melbourne suburb with immediate access to nothing more tempting than the Grand Prix Circuit and the Albert Cricket Ground, home of the XXIX Club, of which more later. The Melbourne tram system provided ready access to a city that, despite its many non-red counter attractions, takes life at a more measured pace than Sydney. 

Orientation appeared fitful in Sydney, exacerbated by the extreme heat, and the initial team briefing meeting lasted so long that tourists either fell asleep or took advantage of the unexpected arrival of Malcolm Alder, Margaret and Miles Hedges and free pizza to bring matters to a conclusion.  Tour orientation was not helped either by our Australian agents, whose arrangements were often at variance with the agreed schedule.  In particular, the published 5-hour Sydney harbour cruise was the subject of two competing coach pick-ups, followed by a 3-hour exploration of the Sydney suburbs in one of them. Ultimate redemption came in the form of a magnificent sit-down lunch during the course of a magnificent scenic 2-hour cruise of the harbour. Timing of coach excursions remained a problem throughout the first week, and it was left to individual tourists to use other means to experience such delights as Bryn Turfel at the Opera House, clubbing at the Rocks and the climb of the Harbour Bridge. Whatever the day, local restaurants appeared to come up trumps, whether at Woolloomooloo, Doyles or elsewhere, and late-night water taxis proved popular for those wanting to mix harbour-side eating with night-cap drinking.

Despite the oppressive 44C heat on arrival in Melbourne and the consumption of a phenomenal array of fine wines at the match the following day, tourists’ orientation seemed surprisingly good in the second week. Certainly this could not be attributed to the coach company, whose activities continued to be unpredictable – often not assisted by male members of the Senior family, who seemed intent on misinterpreting instructions and then attempting to board the coach when it was already on the move. The opportunities for Melbourne dining were fewer, thanks to the generous hospitality of our opponents there, but invariably tourists would return to give a huge boost to the hotel’s bar profits in the late evening. It was therefore with a sense of outrage that all 44 tourists returned from their last night dinner at the MCG to be informed that the bar had closed.  Only the good offices of our own catering manager, Simon Wakefield, ultimately ensured alcohol for the many who chose to drink, and safe conduct passes for the few who chose to ring the hotel manager’s home at 1.30 in the morning.

Athleticism was not particularly conspicuous from the outset, at least not on the cricket field. The warm-up sessions failed to focus on the heat we would experience or on the playing conditions we would encounter. Some tourists are rumoured to have discarded their kit on the beach in an attempt to keep cool, while others were expending great energy in the middle in temperatures exceeding 40C – not surprisingly both necessitated medical attention. The sight of the cream of the tour party lying prostrate on the pavilion floor for a couple of hours suffering from severe dehydration did at one stage cause the organisers to consider flying out medical reinforcements in the form of the President himself. However no-one seemed sufficiently confident that Doc Thurston would have wanted to use the right liquid for rehydration. Injuries were not a major concern until Jerry Senior dislocated his shoulder in the penultimate game, but “niggles” included the expected (ham strings, old age etc) and the unexpected (sun burnt torsos, new shoes etc).

As to the playing conditions, pitches were variable, the grass was long, the boundaries were vast and the venues were mixed. They ranged from the sublime (Bowral, Albert and Hume & Hovell) through the satisfactory (North Richmond, Camden and Williamstown) to the ridiculous (the other 4). But there was a silver lining in each of these other 4 – Rose Bay and Western Oval provided the most hospitable of introductions to the Sydney and Melbourne weeks, as well as nail-biting finishes; Centennial Park was procured at 12 hours notice, against all the odds, by the opposing skipper after flash flooding had ruled out the designated ground; and the Boneo ground was chosen for its authentic community role: so authentic that some very young schoolboys watching the game were overheard to ask one geriatric tourist whether he used to play for England. The latter 2 venues also provided our only 2 victories – who says that SOA does not like playing on artificial pitches!          

The bare statistics show that we played 9 matches, won 2 and lost 7, with the Bowral match washed out without a ball bowled.  The individual match reports give the detail, but overall this was a disappointing outcome. As our ever-cheerful and pragmatic tour captain, Russell Hayes, acknowledged at the MCG, we were a strong enough party to have done better against the opposition we faced, but the batsmen had difficulty in adapting to the need to “go airial” in the conditions. Only Danny Lee and John Roberts batted with any consistency, although the skipper, James Horne, Matty Lee, Luke List, Bruce Lunn, Simon Wakefield and Will Wright in particular gave glimpses of what our batting was capable of. Inspite of the emphasis placed in the UK on conditioning the batsmen, it was the bowlers who starred, and all the strike bowlers (James Hall, James Horne, Matty Lee, Tim Osborne and Simon Wakefield) bowled tidily and took wickets, as did Roger Berryman with his wily off-breaks. The fielding started strongly but the catching let us down at vital moments in the second week. All the keepers (Brian Gorton, Russell Hayes and David Jones) had their moments, with David making the catch of the tour on the final day. The other playing members of the party (Malcolm Alder, Richard Allan, Colin Bedford, Ralph Cobham, Simon Florey, Mike Knox, Jerry Senior, Tim Senior, Richard Watkins and Howard Wood) all caught the selectors’ eyes from time to time, but not always for the right reasons.

Meanwhile what of the supporters? The seniors in the form of Diana Allan (part of the time) and Joan Bedford, Judith Berryman, Sue Cobham, Phil Elsmore, Sheena Florey, Barbara Gorton, Sue Hayes, Margaret Hedges, Diana Jones, Louise Proctor, Penny Roberts, Jill Senior and Eli Wood (all throughout) fully justified their self-selection giving strong moral, as well as loud vocal, support at all the right moments. Always active, they occasionally indulged and the scale of their shopping activities suggested that one or two might have misunderstood the position of the decimal point in the A$/£ conversion rate, and that others might require temporary overdraft facilities to fund their excess baggage. Meanwhile the juniors (Gemma Hayes, Philip Hayes, Alison Polley and Jenny Senior) revelled in the sweltering conditions, displaying all the energy and athleticism which might be expected of would-be applicants for Australian citizenship.

For this merry band the highlights in the Sydney week were a scenic tour of the Blue Mountains, including a ride on the steepest funicular railway in the southern hemisphere and culminating in an air conditioned feast at North Richmond; a stultifying day amongst parrakeets and snakes in the grounds of a rural colonial home in Camden; a visit to the attractive market town of Bowral, including a fascinating tour of its jewel, the Bradman Museum; and a riotous “farewell to Sydney” supper in a local Thai restaurant on the final evening. In the Melbourne week the emphasis was on wine and kangaroo, although never at the same time. After the vintage wine sampling at the Sunday match, there was a full coach for the game at Boneo, which included a tour of the Mornington Peninsula wineries for those not playing and an unscheduled but successful “kangaroo spot” in the local countryside at dusk. In between there had been a breezy beach day at Williamstown, with lavish accompanying hospitality from the Crusaders. For the final match day at Hume & Hovell there was more kangaroo, as the animals were tracked by enthusiastic supporters in the daylight before being viewed hurdling the picket boundary fence in the gathering darkness, much to the delight of tourists assembled on the pavilion balcony.

Indeed, for those up for it, the outing (described so vividly by Matty Lee in his match report) to this gem of a ground nestling in the Great Dividing Range made a most memorable finale to the coach schedule, and very nearly to the coach itself.

In addition time had to be found for more beaches, more sightseeing and more of the aforesaid shopping – all to further enhance the already glamorous looks and dress of female tourists for Wednesday’s tour photograph and accompanying barbecue at the neighbouring Albert ground. This was a special day, admirably hosted by our friends from the XXIX Club, which provided tangible memories in the form of two photos for general circulation, and several others for very limited circulation. And just to keep the cricket brain cells active, there was the ever present stimulus of the tour quiz devised by the sadly absent quiz-master, Chris Wakefield, and ultimately won by the tour’s self-appointed columnist, Mike Knox. For good measure the golf brain cells were also put to work on the Friday morning, when a dawn chorus of golfers performed spasmodically after the previous night’s singing and obligingly allowed that lustiest of singers, Miles Hedges, to prevail.

The tour can be described in many ways, but for some at least it was a pilgrimage from the SCG (alas no longer with its hill) to the MCG (alas no longer with its pavilion). We were not destined to play on either ground but, courtesy of I Zingari, many tourists spent the first Sunday at the SCG on a corporate outing watching the Australia v India 1-day international. Apart from witnessing the Aussies equal their highest ever total in a 1-day match (and in the process give the Indians a fearful drubbing), we also witnessed at the preceding lunchtime Q & A session a rejuvenated Geoff Boycott responding to some gentle bowling from Tony Greig with considerable panache (much to the delight of our photoshot-seeking Yorkshire tourists). Boycott’s remarks included some robust advice to cricketing fathers about the dangers of coaching their aspiring sons – seemingly this advice has not been followed by a number of current SOA members.

And so to the MCG, where our farewell dinner was presided over by the outgone but renamed SOA President, Roccy “Dreamtime” Cobham, in his own inimitable manner. Despite a lot of planning, there were relatively few similarities between this and last October’s 70th anniversary celebrations at Blenheim that he had orchestrated so splendidly. A regrettable feature was that the shortage of alcohol during the proceedings was as acute as the length of the entertainment and speeches that followed dinner. Thankfully the evening was rescued by a number of cameo performances, including the gyrations of an unintelligible pot-stirring chorus of witches (alias Simon Florey, Mike Knox and Jerry Senior), a brief duo of music and magic from two of the guests (alias Anne and Rocky) and an entertaining solo of the fortnight’s misdemeanours from the fines master (alias Matty Lee). Roccy himself colourfully set the scene and Brian Gorton, equally colourfully, closed it by (inappropriately in the circumstances) “sounding the last drink”. 

The fact that we were able to hold the dinner in such prestigious surroundings, and to enjoy a conducted tour of the MCG and a stroll on the hallowed turf beforehand, was due to the influence of SOA’s Australian equivalent, the XXIX Club, and its seemingly ageless founder Ian McDonald. Ian, a speaker at the dinner, had played for SOA whilst on medical secondment in Oxford during the 1950’s, and it was therefore appropriate that he should have been presented with a print of  “the Dreaming Spires”, in recognition of all the assistance and encouragement he had given in making the tour happen. His co-speaker at the dinner was the XXIX Club’s permanent backstop, Don Cordner, who was unwise enough to provide a prior character assassination of the subject of the book he was presented with, Simon Rae’s acclaimed biography of WG. Further copies were also presented to our match manager guests.

And so ended SOA’s second overseas tour. This is not the place to draw comparisons with the first 1997 tour in South Africa (although there are 14 tourists in a position to do so); suffice to say that, whatever the individual memories of Australia for each one of us, there can be little doubt that this was an intensely happy tour. Our hosts were unfailingly hospitable and friendly, both on and off the field, and as a result, in the best SOA tradition, we all had enormous fun. The organisers wish to record a huge vote of thanks to all tourists for making their job so easy - to coin an Australian expression, it really was a “No Worries” tour.

Richard Allan

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